


Hagumi Kitazawa Slays Satan

by DivineNoodles



Series: Hello, Happy Deicide! [2]
Category: BanG Dream! (Anime), BanG Dream! Girl's Band Party! (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Biblical References, Crack, Death, Deicide, Gen, Mental Anguish, Misaki says some more swears, Theodicy, shitpost
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-29
Updated: 2020-07-29
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:08:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25597057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DivineNoodles/pseuds/DivineNoodles
Summary: Hold strong to your convictions, and you can make your dreams a reality.
Series: Hello, Happy Deicide! [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1855252
Comments: 37
Kudos: 55





	Hagumi Kitazawa Slays Satan

**Author's Note:**

> Hello. This is a sequel to a fic known as "Kokoro Tsurumaki Kills God," about Kokoro Tsurumaki killing God. It is highly recommended that you read that story before this one, as it shares continuity details, and you may be confused if you aren't familiar with the events of the former plot. Thank you.

Several weeks had passed since the almighty Michelle (Peace Be Upon Her) had ascended to Godhood, bringing with it a blessed reign of unending happiness across the face of the earth – or at least, that’s what the girls of Hello, Happy World! had been hoping for. Instead, they sat around the roundtable at Tsurumaki Manor, their faces smudged with contemplative pensiveness.

“Hmm…” said Kaoru. “I should feel a transcendent, fleeting joy, and yet… something clouds my heart.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean,” said Hagumi, crossing her arms. “If Michelle is God, then everybody should be smiling, but… I still see some people at school who are unhappy.”

“Well, there has to be an explanation!” said Kokoro, beaming vacantly. “After all, if Michelle is omnipotent, then She’d definitely fill the whole world with smiles!”

“Yeah!” chimed the other two dummies.

“Then what do you think the problem is?” asked Kanon, her mouth stretched in a nervous grin.

“Hmm… That’s a toughie,” said Hagumi. “What do you think, Mii-kun?”

Misaki was prostrated before an effigy of a pink bear in the corner, mumbling sutras and weeping.

“Alas, she is still mad from the revelation,” said Kaoru, clasping a hand to her forehead. “She always was Michelle’s foremost prophet, even before Her apotheosis… what a demanding task it must be.”

Kanon waddled over and gently shook Misaki, whose glazed eyes snapped back to reality. “K-Kanon-san? Oh, sorry… I must have fallen into a trance again.”

“I-It’s okay, Misaki-chan,” said Kanon. “I don’t blame you. I mean, I’m still trying to wrap my head around Michelle… being God…”

There was something about saying it plain and out loud that made Misaki want to curl up in the fetal position again. She slapped herself across the face and stood up, attempting to steady her thoughts. “Okay, what were we talking about?”

Kaoru smirked. “The same quandary that has plagued mankind for millennia – theodicy.”

“Idiocy?” Misaki muttered. “That’s certainly something you three would know about…”

“Nay, ‘theodicy’,” Kaoru corrected. “The question of divine justice. If a good and all-powerful God exists, then why do ill tragedies befall the virtuous among us? Why do sinners succeed and escape persecution? How can one claim to exist in a universe of heavenly providence when evil persists?”

Misaki gulped. “That… sounds like a really complicated issue.”

“By troth, it is,” said Kaoru, nodding. “Which is why it’s far simpler to say the Devil is at fault.”

“The Devil?” asked Kokoro, craning her head. “Who’s that?”

“Now that’s a question,” Misaki deadpanned.

“I wanna know too!” said Hagumi.

Kaoru swept aside her bangs, preparing her long-winded explanation. “Just as God creates and manages all that is good and holy, the Devil is the personification of evil. He goes by many names – Satan, Lucifer, Iblis, Angra Mainyu, Henry Kissinger – but no matter the title, he represents all that is wicked within the hearts of men, tempting us to commit vile deeds.”

“How awful!” Hagumi replied, frowning. “So it’s his fault that people are so sad?”

“Well, uh… I don’t think he’s supposed to be literal,” said Misaki, adopting her trademark patient smile. “The Devil isn’t like, a real person or anything.”

“M-Misaki-chan,” Kanon whispered, “W-We went up to heaven, met God, _killed God_ , and rewrote the fabric of reality so that the mascot bear you posed as is now the new Creator of the Universe. A-Are you sure the Devil doesn’t exist?”

“You’ve… got a _great_ point,” said Misaki.

“Well, we shouldn’t let this stand!” said Hagumi, rising to her feet. “If he’s causing problems, then we need to talk to him so he stops!”

“Umm… I don’t know if that will work,” said Kanon. “I-I mean, he’s Satan. Doesn’t he like pain and suffering?”

“I’m sure he’s just misunderstood,” Kokoro replied, smiling confidently. “Nobody likes being sad, after all! We just have to make him smile!”

“Kokoro, I don’t think you—” Misaki began, before realizing it was fruitless. “Look, how do you plan on meeting the Devil, anyway?”

“A simple answer, Misaki,” said Kaoru with flourish. “If we discovered God in the high throes of heaven, then surely we will find Lucifer within the hideous bowels of hell.”

“Ah. Yes. _Of course.”_ Misaki sighed, facepalming. “Because going to the underworld sounds like a great time.”

“I dunno,” said Hagumi, “Ako-chin’s told me about it before, and it sounds like a really cool place! Lots of darkness and stuff. Maybe I should bring her back a souvenir?”

“Ooh, maybe we can do a concert down there!” hummed Kokoro. “I bet we could bring a lot of smiles to the people of hell!”

“Ah… a most fleeting prospect…” agreed Kaoru. “We’ll have to plan set decorations to match the occasion.”

As the three went on and on about their scheme to hold a bubbly parade within the depths of the netherworld, Kanon fuee’d softly. “I’m not even sure how we’re going to get there… still, it sounds like we’ve got another adventure ahead of us, doesn’t it?”

Misaki was quiet.

“M-Misaki-chan…?”

“O-Oh great mother bear who art in heaven…” Misaki murmured shakily. “Forgive me for my transgressions, and release me from this painful existence…”

“H-Hang in there, Misaki-chan…!”

* * *

To no one’s surprise, the Suits completed their transport to hell within the space of only a week. The ‘hellevator’ (as Kaoru dubbed it, perhaps a little too proudly) was just as sleek and polished as the band’s heavenly escort, except the metal was a deep matte black rather than sparkling platinum. Misaki couldn’t summon up even an ounce of resistance as the dummies carted her inside.

“Oh boy, I can’t wait!” said Hagumi, dressed in flamboyant circus finery. Each of them was decked out in full stage costume, as if about to play a set at CiRCLE instead of the ninth circle. Of hell.

“A pity that Michelle could not join us…” sighed Kaoru, right as the doors closed. “She is too busy managing All of Creation, I imagine.”

“Yeah, it’s a bummer,” said Kokoro. “But Misaki can fill in as DJ, thankfully!”

Normally, this sort of conversation would provoke another outburst from Misaki as she explained that she and the pink bear were in fact one and the same. But now, she wasn’t sure if that was the case. In fact, wouldn’t dressing up as Michelle constitute some form of idolatry or sacrilege? Or was she in fact the trinitarian son to Michelle’s father? Or perhaps some sort of prophet figure? Religion was hard.

“I, uh, hope it’s not too hot down there,” said Kanon as the shuttle began shunting downward. “It’s already pretty warm in this outfit.”

“Fear not, my dear,” said Kaoru. “The pits of Cocytus are said to be more frigid than the arctic in the dead of winter, so you will not want for chill in the slightest.”

“That sounds like the opposite problem,” Misaki retorted. “Are you sure that this is a good idea? It sounds like we’re entering a real awful place.”

“Oh, come on, Mii-kun,” said Hagumi. “It won’t be so bad!”

Right as she said this, the car passed through the thin layer of crust and mantle separating the earth’s surface from the underworld, popping into a vast cavern of leaping flames and dull rocks. The temperature immediately shot to levels surpassing the hottest desert as a thick layer of sweat coagulated on each girl’s skin. Horrible wails spiraled around the elevator as the putrid stench of brimstone clogged their collective nostrils. The taste of fear and death was on every molecule of their tongues.

Hagumi looked out the window, her hands confidently upon her hips. “Wow, Kokoron! Do you hear that noise? They’re already cheering us!”

“Oh boy, it smells like they’re cooking up a barbecue!” said Kokoro. “Maybe we’ll be able to eat some hot dogs before we perform!”

“Ah… what beautiful flashes of red and ochre, dancing in the distance…” mused Kaoru, stroking her chin in thought. “Like dancing love, coquettish and nubile…”

Kanon trembled, clutching onto the elevator handrail. “D-Don’t be scared, don’t be scared, don’t be scared…” she repeated weakly.

And Misaki, of course, could only look out upon the misery and think to herself that she would live here someday – if she didn’t already.

The elevator slowed to a crawl before finally hissing open on the bottom floor. The girls stepped out onto broken cobblestone so hot that they could feel their feet singe through their boots. “Ooh, the floor’s nice and toasty!” said Kokoro.

“Maybe this Satan guy’s not so bad after all!” said Hagumi. “If he heated the ground up just for us he must be nice!”

A withering shade – one of hell’s countless damned souls – began to crawl up to them, a horrible cacophony wretching from its throat as it gasped for salvation. “S͏…̸ ͜Save͡ ͘m̧e̛ee̸ee͟e…̴”̵

“Hi there!” greeted Hagumi, reaching out to grab its hand. “How you doin’?”

As soon as she touched the specter’s hand it disintegrated into nothing.

“Ah… what a fleeting existence that was,” said Kaoru with a smirk.

“D-D-Did you just kill it…?” asked Misaki, her legs concaved in fear.

“Silly Misaki!” said Kokoro, patting her on the shoulder. “It was already dead!”

Misaki fell to her knees, her palms falling to burn on hell’s floor as the heat burned off any trace of her fingerprints. Was Kokoro right? Did that count as death? Or was true death when consciousness ceased to be in any sense of the word? What did death of the flesh mean when there was an eternal afterlife in heaven or hell? Did Michelle save souls, or condemn them?

“S-Stand up, Misaki-chan!” said Kanon, hoisting her up by the armpit. “D-Don’t fall into despair!”

“Too late. I fell down that pit the moment I was born…”

“Misaki-chan no! Stay strong!”

As Kanon slapped Misaki across the face in an attempt to revitalize her withered spirit, Hagumi shaded her face as she surveyed the torment that surrounded them. “So where’s the Devil?”

“Where indeed…” Kaoru clasped her hands to her chest. “Perhaps he lurks in the collective unconsciousness of all mankind…”

“Or maybe he’s over beneath that flashing neon sign that says ‘Here’s Satan’?” suggested Kokoro, pointing to a display that blazed exactly as she described.

“…That seems a little obvious,” said Misaki through her existential tears. “I feel like we’re going to walk in and fall into a bottomless pit, not actually find—”

“Hey Mr. Satan!” called Hagumi, running over to the sign. “Are you here?”

A deep, malicious cackle resounded as a swell of hellfire bloomed before them. “Well well well, look what the cat dragged in!”

“…The cat?” Kanon parroted.

The blazing vortex disappeared to reveal the Devil. Naturally, just as the appearance of the divine changed depending on the viewpoints and beliefs of those who laid eyes upon it, so too did the shape of evil manifested shift due to the perception of the individual. So to each of Hello, Happy World!’s bandmates, the Devil appeared quite different:

To Misaki, Satan was a multiheaded hydra, each head appearing as a different member of Hello, Happy World! but frowning.

To Kanon, Satan was a large mushroom with penciled-in eyes that stared unblinkingly at her.

To Hagumi, Satan was one of the Monstars from Space Jam.

To Kaoru, Satan was that bastard Christopher Marlowe, holding a copy of Shakespeare’s works sharpied to read “Shakespeare SUX >:)”

And to Kokoro, who was unable to perceive anything as evil, she saw the devil for his truest, most heinous of forms: Ronald Reagan in crocs (if you’re British, imagine Margaret Thatcher in crocs instead).

“Hey there, chumps!” The Devil sneered, sticking out his tongue and giggling. “I never expected to see Hello, Happy World! down here… or should I call you Hello, Crappy World? Cuz you guys SUCK!”

“Take that back, creep!” Hagumi cried.

“As IF!” The Devil howled in laughter upon his chair of skulls (which upon closer examination were made of plastic). “You lamers are stinkin’ up the place with your smiles! What are you, happy or something? Buh-ARF!”

“…Why does Satan talk like that?” asked Kanon to no one, or perhaps the universe.

“I have no fucking idea,” Misaki replied.

“Hiya there, Lucifer!” greeted Kokoro, undeterred by his ‘bully in a 90’s PG-rated teen movie’ tone of voice. “We came to cheer you up!”

“Cheer me up?” The devil snorted. “The only thing cheering me up is the idea of seeing you _losers_ run home to your mamas! So why don’t you make like a cat and scat already?”

“This is the second time you’ve mentioned felines,” Kaoru pointed out. “Are you also a fan of kittens? I feel like we may have much in common…”

_I think Shirasagi-san might agree…_ Misaki thought dryly.

“Um, Mr. Satan, sir?” asked Kanon, fidgeting in her band uniform. “We’d, er, l-like you to stop being the root of all evil if that’s okay.”

“Hm, okay, lemme think about that – YAWN.” The Devil made the most overexaggerated yawning motion possible. “Being evil is totally radical! I know you wanna help your gal pal of a care bear up in heaven there, but I just love tormentin’ people too much! Nyeheheheh!”

“Right,” said Misaki. “I don’t know why we expected anything else…”

“I think you want to help deep down!” exclaimed Kokoro, bobbing up right before him. “Nobody’s a bad person at heart!”

“…You’re talking to the Prince of Lies, bozo,” Satan replied.

Kokoro nodded. “See, exactly! You’re lying about wanting to be mean!”

“Oh!” Hagumi said. “That makes a lot of sense! I guess he wasn’t as bad as we thought.”

Kaoru chuckled. “Such tragedies are often born of misunderstandings. I’m glad we all can believe in and understand the Devil’s capacity to learn and grow as a person.”

“…Are you done?” asked Misaki. “Because I’d like to leave if possible.”

“But we haven’t performed yet, Mii-kun!” said Hagumi, tugging on Misaki’s sleeve. “Come on! Let’s put a smile on the Devil’s face!”

“He’s already smiling. He’s laughing at us as we speak.”

“GWEHEHEHE!”

“You’re right! But he could always smile more!” said Kokoro. “Let’s bust out our instruments!”

“What instruments?” asked Misaki. “We didn’t actually bring them down—”

Before she could finish the Suits popped up with a full array of instruments and an accompanying sound system, having set up the entire display in a matter of milliseconds.

“…Sometimes I wonder why I even open my mouth,” Misaki moaned.

“To breathe, duh!” said Hagumi.

Satan watched them all take to their instruments with another cackle. “Oh, here to play a lullaby for me? Cuz I’m gonna SNOOZE listening to you lame-os play!”

Kaoru beamed. “If we can help you get your beauty rest, then that is a job well done.”

“I sure hope you can sleep well tonight, Mr. Satan!” said Hagumi.

Satan didn’t seem to have a retort ready. _If anybody were able to leave the Devil speechless, it would have to be us, wouldn’t it…_ Misaki thought.

“Alright, hell!” said Kokoro, gripping her mic stand and facing the crowd of anguished sinners. “Who’s excited to hear us perform?”

A wall of harrowed screeches bore into them.

“Wow! You’re SUPER excited!” Kokoro replied, bouncing on the balls of her feet. “Alright! Let’s have some fun! Happy, Lucky!”

“Smile! Yaaay!” said the rest of the band.

They launched into a rendition of Orchestra of Smiles, their bright and happy sounds melting into the chaotic ether of the underworld’s flames. Despite the sweat running down Misaki’s back and the quiver in Kanon’s drumbeat the band kept the performance going steady, Kokoro’s lilt soaring over the hellscape.

> _The hands we are holding together (Hai! Hai!)_
> 
> _Are connecting us with each other (Hai! Hai!)_
> 
> _To become a huge circle (Wa Wa Wa!)_
> 
> _Make your face (Run Run)_
> 
> _Bloom into a smile (Run Run)_
> 
> _Let's create a world_
> 
> _Where everyone is together (Smile! Smile!)_
> 
> _It's a festival!_

Somehow, the simplistic cheer of the song harmonized well with the infinite screaming coming from the Tartarean pits that surrounded them.

The song concluded with a flourish, each band member striking a grin (some forced, some natural) as they posed for the crowd. Instead of applause, demonic weeping thundered around them.

“Ah… that our performance was so sorrowful that it brought them to tears…” Kaoru mused. “How fleeting.”

“Did you like that, Mr. Satan?” asked Hagumi chipperly.

“Oh, yeah. It was super.” Satan picked wax out of his ear and flicked it to the side. “Super BORING, that is! I could make a better song with my snores!”

“Wow! Are you offering?” asked Kokoro.

_“Please_ do not tempt the great tempter,” said Misaki, still sweating.

“I dunno, I’d love to hear a song from Satan!” said Hagumi.

“I’m told he’s an exquisite fiddle player,” said Kaoru.

Misaki looked towards Kanon, who just shrugged. “I-I mean, what’s the harm…?”

Misaki still wasn’t sure if she was religious, but Bear above, she was praying to Michelle real hard right now.

“Alright, you schmucks,” said the Devil, cracking his knuckles as he rose menacingly to his feet. “You wanna hear my music?”

“Yeah!” cheered the dummies simultaneously.

“Alright, then!” The devil cackled as a gold microphone appeared in his hands. “It’s time to lay down the smack attack!”

Before Misaki could remark on how incredibly lame that phrase sounded, the Devil started spitting fire – in more ways that one:

> _Down here in heck_
> 
> _It’s ‘bout time to wreck_
> 
> _Some poor old fools_
> 
> _Who stand here and drool_
> 
> _They wish they were cool_
> 
> _Like me, the king of cruel_
> 
> _They better not strum_
> 
> _‘Cuz their song’s real DUMB_

“…Why are the devil’s bars so… weak?” asked Misaki.

Her casual shade went unnoticed as Kokoro, Kaoru, and Hagumi politely applauded, soon joined by a mildly confused Kanon. “That was a good effort!” cheered Kokoro.

“There was an attempt,” said Kaoru with a nod.

“You’ll get it next time!” Hagumi exclaimed.

Even when Misaki was being actively deriding, she couldn’t compare to those three…

“Y-Yeah, well…” The Devil coughed, gritting its teeth. “It’s way better than your stupid song!”

Kokoro craned her neck. “Our song wasn’t stupid! It was smiley!”

“Are those mutually exclusive attributes…?” asked Kanon.

“Maybe he has gunk in his ear that made him hear wrong,” said Hagumi, putting her bass down. “I’ll help him clean it out!”

“How are you going to do that…?” asked Misaki tremulously, watching as Hagumi waddled on over to Satan.

“Hey Mr. Satan!” said Hagumi.

“What is it, pisqueak?” he replied.

Hagumi slapped him across the face.

The Devil was knocked to the ground, a cartoonish red hand mark smeared across his cheek.

Kokoro, Kaoru, and Kanon watched with dull surprise as Misaki – mouth agape – once more shook with her entire being. “H-H-Hagumi… wh-what’d you do?”

“U-Um…” Hagumi’s fingers twiddled together sheepishly. “S-Sorry, that usually gets the wax out of my ears…”

_“We have to get out of here!”_ Misaki screamed, yanking her back by the arm. _“He’s fucking Satan! He’s gonna send an army of archangels to gut our entrails at any second!”_

“Why would he do that?” asked Kokoro, eyebrow raised.

_“BECAUSE HAGUMI JUST SLAPPED THE LORD OF HELL ACROSS THE FACE!”_

“R-R-Right, b-but, Misaki-chan…” Kanon pointed to the stationary body of Satan. “He’s not moving?”

“…Huh?”

Without a word, Kaoru walked over and felt for his pulse. Soon her face fell to an accepting grimace. “Aye, just as his partner in heaven did weeks past… he too has shunted his mortal coil.”

Total and complete silence. And then…

“Wow, Hagumi!” said Kokoro, beaming at her. “You killed the Devil!”

“Amazing!” Hagumi replied, grinning just as wide. “I didn’t know I could do that!”

**_“HOW IN THE SEVEN HELLS THAT WE ARE CURRENTLY IN DID THAT HAPPEN?!”_** Misaki bellowed, falling to her knees. **_“YOU CAN’T KILL SOMEONE BY JUST SMACKING THEM!”_**

“Are you sure?” asked Hagumi, flexing a bicep. “I’m pretty strong! I’ve had lots of softball practice, after all.”

**_“THAT DOESN’T AFFECT ANYTHING! I CAN SOMEHOW UNDERSTAND KILLING GOD WITH A GLOCK 19, BUT HOW DO YOU KILL THE DEVIL BY S L A P P I N G HIM?”_ **

“Perhaps he is still alive symbolically…” Kaoru ruminated. “For as long as evil lurks in the heart of mankind, so too will he…”

**_“I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR YOUR GODDAMN SPEECHIFYING RIGHT NOW! WE’RE IN THE SHITTER BIG TIME!”_ **

“A… Are we?” asked Kanon sincerely. “K… Killing Satan is a good thing, isn’t it…?”

More silence.

“I-I mean…” Kanon continued. “It doesn’t look like reality is falling apart at the seams this time, at least.”

“Good to know!” said Kokoro, as if Kanon had said something like ‘the bathtub drain isn’t leaking this time, at least.’ “I guess we’ve done what we set out to do, sorta!”

“Mission accomplished,” said Kaoru. “I daresay Hagumi was the most valuable player this time.”

“Hooray for me!” Hagumi cheered, suddenly waving an envelope around in her hands.

Misaki was still to angry to speak coherently, so the inquiry fell on Kanon’s shoulders. “H-Hagumi-chan, where’d you get that letter?”

“Eh? Wha?!” Hagumi stared at the envelope in shock. “I have no idea! It must have suddenly popped into—oh my gosh!”

“What is it?” asked Kokoro, peering over her shoulder.

“It’s from Michelle!” Hagumi cheered. “Wow! She wrote to us and delivered the letter right into my hands instantly!”

“Ah, the perks of deification…” said Kaoru. “Well? What’s it say?”

The band crowded around Hagumi as she opened the letter. Misaki, still heaving, and against her better judgment, joined them in reading its beautifully lettered writing:

_Dearest Hagumi,_

_My great and loving bassist and friend, I thank you for defeating Satan – the antibear – deep in the bowels of hell. His presence caused a great deal of unhappiness and misery in the world, and his absence is sure to flourish in a new age of joy and goodwill. That, in and of itself, is surely worth of a Happy, Lucky, Smile, Yay._

_However, the grander scheme of things is fraught. I am of course omnipresent, omnipotent, and omnibenevolent, and yet with the Devil’s defeat there still exists sin in the world. So long as humans possess free will it is ultimately impossible to eradicate evil. But if they believe there to be only one higher power, then they will begin to doubt that higher power truly loves and cares for them. In that sense, you might say the presence of a satanic figure is necessary for people to put their full trust into me. Optics are often more important than reality, unfortunately._

_Which is why I must ask you, my dear friends, to do me a great, lifechanging task. Just as you prior took on the power of God – however temporarily – so too must I ask one of you to take the Devil’s mantle and act in his stead. I am not asking you to commit wicked deeds – rather, you will merely bear the guise of a devilish figure while working with me to ensure happiness for all. However, this is a lifelong station, and I imagine that is a weighty situation to consider. But I trust you or another friend to take on the role and all of its responsibilities._

_Thank you once more for your valiant effort. And always remember – I love you beary much._

_Michelle_

“S-So…” Kanon gulped. “One of us has to be the Devil?”

“I see…” said Kaoru, clasping a hand to her chest. “As I am already a woman of sinful beauty and charm, I should be the one to take over the position.”

“But then we wouldn’t be able to play in the band together!” said Kokoro emphatically.

“True… hm. I suppose we’ll have to search for another, then?”

“How do we even transfer the power?” asked Kanon. “Is it like last time where we have to touch him? W-Wait, didn’t Kaoru-san touch him a few moments ago to take his pulse…?”

“Silly Kanon, now’s not the time for plot holes!” said Kokoro, slapping her on the back. “Now let’s figure out who to conscript!”

“F-Fuee…”

Just then, Hagumi – whose face had been scrunched up in thought – hopped in place. “Wait a sec! I know the perfect person for this!”

“You do?” asked Kokoro and Kanon simultaneously.

“Yup!” Hagumi motioned towards the elevator. “Let’s go get her and bring her back here!”

“Excellent.” Kaoru did a double clap as she followed. “Let us sally forth!”

“Roger!” called Kokoro.

Kanon moved to follow behind before noticing that Misaki wasn’t moving – in fact, she hadn’t said anything since she’d read Michelle’s letter. “Misaki-chan…?”

No response.

Kanon shook her. “A-Are you alright?”

Misaki turned to look her dead in the eyes. “Who am I?”

“H-Huh?”

The words fell from Misaki’s lips like tears. “My fursona is God. I am my fursona. By the transitive property, so too am I God… but I don’t feel an ounce of divinity within me. But isn’t the divine essence supposed to be found in every living creature? What sets me apart from the rest of them? Am I a messenger? A prophet? Or just another mudborn human being crawling upon this gutter of an earth until the moment where I’m flushed down the storm drain?”

“I… um…”

Misaki grabbed her by the shoulders and started shaking her violently. “TELL ME, KANON-SAN!”

“FUEEEEE!”

* * *

24 hours and one walk-in therapy session later, and the members of Hello, Happy World! were back in hell, staring at the back of the new Lord of Hell as she surveyed the blazing landscape with a deep, throaty chuckle.

“Mwahahaha… behold. Legions of shadow, endless pyres, all screaming out like the… um… er…”

“Infinite naught… of your soul…?”

“Infinite naught of my soul!” Another gremlinesque cackle as the newly christened Devil turned to her faithful adjutant. “Rinrin, you always know just the right demonic incantations!”

“I… do my best, Ako-chan…”

Ako swiveled to face Hello, Happy World!, robed in an extravagantly hellish outfit that befitted someone who relished her new position as much as she did. “My loyal minions… er, I mean friends! Thanks a million for letting me in on this!”

“No problem, Ako-chin!” said Hagumi, giving her a nice, tight hug. “When it came to people who’d make a great Devil, I knew you were number one on the list!”

“Mwehehehe, thank you!” Ako reciprocated the squeeze twice as strong. “With Rinrin at my side, we’re going to rule over the abyss for all eternity! It’s gonna be so cool!”

“It was most charitable of you to join her, Rinko,” said Kaoru, nodding towards the keyboardist in question. “To ask such a duty of one person is burden enough, but two…”

“I don’t mind…” said Rinko, smiling. “As long as Ako-chan’s not lonely…”

“Aww, Rinrin…” Ako started sniffling as tears welled up in her eyes.

“Wait, won’t Roselia need a new drummer and keyboardist?” asked Kanon.

“I’m sure they’ll be fine! Who even cares?” said Kokoro, ending the discussion.

Kaoru nodded. “All’s well that ends well, is it not?”

Everybody laughed except Misaki. “Why is life pain. Why. Why…”

“D-Do you need to go back to the psychologist again, Misaki-chan?” asked Kanon quietly.

“N-No, I’ll be fine.” Misaki waved towards the elevator back to the surface. “Let’s just go already…”

“R-Right.”

As the members of Hello, Happy World! bid Ako and Rinko off, Misaki paused for just a second as everybody else ran ahead. “Hey Ako? Can I ask you a favor?”

“What is it, Misaki?”

She turned to face the little Satan with a tired, dead smile. “When I end up here someday… please don’t prolong my suffering.”

“Uh… um…” Ako rubbed the back of her head with a awkward smile. “I mean, I can agree, but I don’t think you’ll end up here.”

“Oh? Why’s that?”

Ako giggled. “I mean, Michelle’s God, and you’re Michelle! You’re going to reign in heaven for all eternity, right?”

The sound of Misaki’s screaming could be heard from one edge of the universe to the other.

**Author's Note:**

> Hail Ako, Lord of Darkness.
> 
> This was written for Hagumi's birthday. Happy birthday, Hagumi, and thank you for slaying Satan. I love you very much for it (and other things).


End file.
